Believing You Really Are Doing Your Best

Written by Michelle Shelton

November 14, 2023

What would change for you if you really, truly believed that you are doing your best? Even when you make a mistake? Or when you don’t follow through with the commitment you made to yourself? Or when you let someone else down?

You might think, I would be letting myself off the hook! That’s what would happen. I wouldn’t strive to be better or change. I would become lazy.

I used to think this way, too. But now I have a completely different perspective. Now I believe it’s much more productive to assume that I am doing my best, you are doing your best. And if it seems to fall short, instead of asking how can I motivate or reform myself past this inadequacy, consider what needs aren’t being met and how can I meet them so I can do better next time?

To demonstrate, let me share an example of a recent day in my family. It was a Saturday so everyone was home together - no work or school. And it was a rough one. It seemed like my three young boys couldn’t go 10 minutes without breaking into a fight, which eventually leads to at least one, often all three getting hurt. All day long I found myself breaking up fights, trying to lighten the mood with some play and connection. By the end of the day I was tired of my referee role and more than ready to throw in the towel. My husband and I sat on the couch and reflected on what to do. 

Now let’s apply this logic, both in the positive and in the negative. First, what if I believe they are not doing their best, that they can do better. How will I respond? I might try to motivate them through punishment, take away toys or send them to their rooms. Now they’re just more angry, not only at their brothers, but at me, too. I might try to motivate them through positive reinforcement with sticker charts. 

What if, on the other hand, I believe they are truly doing the best they can in that situation. How could fighting every 10 minutes possibly be the best they can do? It’s a great question, and it’s the question I asked myself on this very hard day. As I reflected on this question, I realized that they were probably incredibly sleep deprived. We just came off daylight savings one week ago, they were waking up too early, and we had been keeping them up too late the last couple days. As young children, they were still working on emotion regulation skills. Add to that the mounting sleep deprivation, and they just didn’t have a chance. So how did I respond? I gave them love, increased the connection, and put them to bed early. I gave them the nourishment, care, and support they needed so they could be their best selves, the sweet and thoughtful boys I know. 

So now let’s bring this question back to you and to me. What would change for you if you truly believed you are doing your best, even when you let yourself down? If you stopped to ask yourself, how could this possibly be my best, what would you discover?

Instead of jumping to judgment or criticism, pay attention to what’s going on for you in that moment. What needs are not being met? What hard things are you carrying? Give yourself grace and space to meet those needs. Chances are, getting the care and support you need will get you closer to your desired outcome than continuing to neglect those needs and responding, instead, with criticism. Just like plants who, when given the right amount of sunlight and water, will bloom into their full beauty and potential, when our needs are met, we naturally rise to our best selves.