Written by Michelle Shelton

December 3, 2022

One of the most profound experiences on my healing journey was becoming a mother. I’ve shared before how it broke me open, how it exposed the weak points in my foundation. Without fully understanding the struggle at the time, I was finding that the tools and coping strategies I had used to that point were not strong enough to bear the weight of the path ahead of me. It felt to me like my world was crumbling around me. It was painful and profound at the same time. It was a catalyst to healing I didn’t know I needed until that moment. 

Some of my greatest healing has come from my work to become a better mother. As I learned about what I needed to give my children, I learned also what I needed to give myself. As I learned about secure attachment, I saw for the first time my wounds that I had accepted as reality. As I learned how to build secure attachment with my boys, I learned how to heal my own wounds. 

One of the most powerful insights I learned was from Dan Seigel and Tina Bryson. In their book, The Power of Showing Up, they talk about 4 critical elements of secure attachment, starting with Safety. 

What exactly does it mean to be safe with someone? You trust they will protect you from danger and keep you from harm. They may even step up to defend you. You know they won’t intentionally hurt you. You know they have your best interest at heart, which means sometimes to keep you from pain they have to lead you through things that are hard, or that do hurt for a little bit but will avoid more pain later. And you know they will show up for you in that pain. When they can’t take it away, they will at least be by your side. 

There are two common ways that we seek safety but actually undermine it. 

The first is self criticism. We all have an inner critic. It’s that voice inside that is quick to inform us when we’ve messed up or don’t measure up. It is mean and harsh, and often kicks you when you’re down. How in the world is such a mean voice a means to safety? These inner critics developed as a way to protect. It steps in to protect you from doing, or saying, or going for things that could bring outward criticism. Or it tells you you’re not enough to keep you working, striving and achieving. Its intent might be good, but in reality, you would never talk to someone you love with that same voice. 

The second is people pleasing. We seek to keep other people comfortable at the expense of our own. We set poor boundaries to avoid displeasing or upsetting others. It gives us a false sense of safety because we’ve avoided the disapproval of others, but too often abandon our own selves and needs. 

So what does it mean to be safe with yourself?  How do you protect yourself from harm without also being a source of harm? 

I’ll offer 2 tools for you to try this week.

First, cultivate a new voice that responds to your shortcomings in the same way you would respond to a good friend - with understanding, encouragement, and compassion.

I am grateful for my own critical part because I understand now what it was trying so hard to do. I see now what it was trying to protect. That critical part intuitively desired and wanted to keep me safe, but the only tool it had, a tool forged years and years ago, was self criticism. And as I finally understood this, I gave it a new tool. A new tool called Compassion. 

Through compassion, I’ve learned to develop a new safety - an open-hearted safety. I’ve learned how to show up for myself in my thoughts, which has led me to showing up for myself in my actions. I’ve learned to love all parts of myself, to allow them in instead of shutting them down or pushing them away in shame or fear. I protect them instead of punish, I seek to understand instead of condemn. And in this safety, these parts have begun to flourish and grow.

Secod, start showing up for you - for what you think, for what you believe, for what you want, and for what you need. If you are a chronic people pleaser, you might need to start by first exploring what these things are. Start by journaling what feels true to you. It could be as simple as, I like strawberries. Or I value family. Or I need more rest. And as you get to know what feels true to you, start showing up for those things in your life.