Overcoming Self Judgment

Written by Michelle Shelton

August 1. 2023

In my coaching practice I have been working with someone who is feeling stressed and worried about the judgment of others. She is feeling angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed trying to meet the expectations of others on her and her family. She feels the weight of their critical thoughts and opinions. As we reflected on these concerns, I asked her to think about her own thoughts toward herself in these moments of judgment. She confessed, she, too, is hard on herself. She judges herself, criticizes herself, sees and focuses on the lack. My next question to her was, if your own self judgment was removed, replaced with acceptance and compassion, how much would the judgment of others matter? Her answer came quick - it would be a non-factor. 

I love the power of this response. The judgment of others would be a non-factor if we truly love and accept ourselves. It is empowering because we will never be able to control the actions of others. Maybe they are judging us. Maybe they are just having a bad day. Maybe they only know half our story. Maybe they are so overwhelmed with their own story to care much about ours. We don’t know. In fact, we don’t need to know because all of this is outside of our control. 

What we do know is our own story. What we can control is our own story. How will you tell it? How will you see it? 

Will you see a story of courage, strength, and effort? Or of lack, inadequacy and failure? 

Will you see a story of goodness, worthiness, and wholeness? Or of unworthiness and brokenness? 

Are you willing to believe that you are truly doing the best you can in this current moment? Or do you believe stories of laziness, apathy, and slothfulness? 

If you have a strong inner critic, it may not be so easy to simply let your self judgment go. Self compassion is a muscle that must be exercised and strengthened. Like any muscle, you cannot expect it to lift 100 pounds right off the bat. You must start where you are and exercise it daily until it becomes a strong and active part of you. 

One of my favorite ways to do this is with the tool Notice, Shift. Rewire. 

First Notice. Begin to bring awareness to your judgment and self criticism. Every time you feel the weight and burden of judgment from others, turn inside and find the judgment within. Notice how you talk to yourself. When you are feeling down or discouraged, shine a light on the story you are telling and believing about yourself. 

Next, Shift. Shift your perspective to one of compassion, curiosity, and grace. Look to see the good intent. Seek to understand your underlying needs. Sometimes it helps to think about what you would say to your best friend or loved one facing a similar situation. How would you see the situation if it was them instead of you?

Finally, Rewire. Retell the story from a place of compassion and understanding. For example, instead of saying, “Wow, I really messed up. How could I do that, I’m such an idiot,” try,”Wow, I really messed up. How can I repair? What can I learn? How can I move forward? I’ve got this.” Instead of, “Why am I always so angry? I shouldn’t have such a bad temper. I must be a horrible person,” try, “I am a good person having a hard time. What is my anger telling me? What needs am I ignoring? How can I get more support?”

As we do this, we shift the dialogue from a place of self defeat and criticism to a place of grace, curiosity, learning, and growth. Instead of being stuck in our own self loathing we are freed through our self support. As our muscle of self compassion grows, we slowly release self judgment. And as we do, the judgment of others will finally become a non-factor.