Stop Chasing Self Control and Start Cultivating Self Trust

Written by Michelle Shelton

May 7, 2024

"We try to control the things we don’t trust."

Hearing this phrase hit me right in my heart. I was listening to Dr. Becky, one of my favorite parenting experts, as she spoke these words. It hit me deep because it felt so true. Especially in the world of health and wellness. 

Dieting is all about control. We have diet rules that tell us what, when, and how much to eat. We follow those rules with a strict regimen. And when we fall off our commitment to this structure and plan, what do we say? “I just didn’t have enough self control.”

And so we get back on the diet and we follow our food plans and we maybe lose weight again for a bit. And then life happens and we lose the structure, then we gain the weight back. And what do we say? “I just need more self control.”

Self control. We’re all working on it. We all wish we had more of it. But maybe the issue isn’t really a lack of self control. What if the problem is actually a lack of self trust? Because, afterall, we try to control the things we don’t trust. 

Control gives us a feeling of certainty in the uncertain. We know what to expect and how to prepare when we can control the outcomes. We can navigate away from the unpleasant and prevent the undesirable. It makes sense that we would find a sense of safety there. If you know how much to eat, and when to eat, you never have to worry about eating too much. It’s all controlled in your diet or eating plan. 

But the flip side is that control is rigid and unbending. In an uncertain world, it can not hold up to the ebbs and flows of life. In the dieting world, you may be able to control your eating in controlled situations. But what happens when life does not go as planned, when things out of your control happen? What happens at parties, or celebrations? What happens in crises, or difficult days? Does self control have to go out the window?

The antidote to not having enough self control is to begin cultivating self trust. 

Self trust is adaptive and flexible. It leans on your natural, innate body wisdom. It takes in input from the external environment, responds, and sends signals of how to adapt. Your body knows when it is hungry and when it is full. But most of us have disconnected from this wisdom, lost touch with this inner intuition. As you begin to restore trust in this process, self control is no longer necessary or even relevant. With trust, you are surfing the waves of life instead of pushing against the uncontrollable tide. 

You have this body wisdom within you - we all do. If you think that you don’t, it only means you have lost connection with it. But it is there. And you can reconnect with it. It is not easy, but it is 100% possible.

If self trust feels like a distant or difficult concept, these are 3 simple things you can do today to begin to cultivate and restore self trust. 

1. Practice self compassion. It is hard to trust someone you are criticizing all of the time. Yet how many of us walk around letting our inner critic run the narrative in our minds? If you are always criticizing yourself, don’t be surprised if you find it hard to trust yourself.  With criticism in the driver’s seat, we are compelled to hide things, even from ourselves, just to avoid more criticism. This is not a trusting stance. Compassion opens us up to see the humanity in ourselves and others, to see the good inside, even in the face of unhelpful behaviors. That is trust. When we can see what is really going on inside, when you really see your truth, you will begin to hear your wisdom.  

2. Practice awareness and presence. Tune in to your body sensations with deeper presence and curiosity. Practice S.I.F.T.-ing - open awareness to any Sensations, Images, Feelings, or Thoughts in your current experience. Our bodies are built with so much innate, self sustaining wisdom. The impulse to breathe, for our heart to beat moment by moment. We have signals that tell us when we are tired, when we are hungry, when we are full, when we need connection. Tune into it and see where it guides you. 

3. Withhold self judgment. As we increase our self trust, we will be more free to act and respond to the signals and wisdom of our body. And as we do, we may be tempted to judge the outcome as right or wrong, good or bad. Instead, trust that you did the exact right thing for that moment. Be curious about the outcomes. How would you adapt the next time? This process of acting, observing, and adapting nourishes inner wisdom as you learn from past choices.  

So many things in our world call us to tune out of our bodies. We may have never learned to sit with the discomfort of challenging emotions or sensations. It may feel easier to numb or distract them with food or other things. From this place, it may seem that control is the only option. But a more sustainable, healing solution is based in trust. It’s time to start tuning back in. It’s time to repair and restore self trust.