The Power of Self Compassion

I recently had the opportunity to be a guest speaker in a class at the business school I attended many years ago. I answered questions from the professor and the students about my career and experiences since graduating. I shared a little about my passions outside of work, which include wellness in all dimensions - nutrition, physical fitness, and mental/emotional health. I answered questions about trends I saw impacting businesses in the upcoming years, and I shared my thoughts on the importance of employee well-being in a world where people are stressed, burned out, and still being pushed to their limit. 

After the class, a young man approached me with a look of yearning on his face. He told me he experienced periods of depression. He noted my comments on health and well-being and asked if I had experienced something similar, and if I had, what had helped me. I saw in his face a plead, please help me. Please give me something to lift this heavy burden.

I knew I had no more than 5 minutes to answer his question, to give him something to help. I talked as fast as I could, told him about some books that I loved, tried desperately to help a challenge way bigger than me or what I could offer. 

As I reflect back, if I could do those 5 minutes again, I would emphasize just one thing. There have been many tools and resources that have helped me on my journey. But none of them could have had the impact that they did without first cultivating self-compassion. 

There are two specific practices that have had a big impact on me. They seem simple, and may feel awkward at first. But for me, they began a significant shift in my mindset that has allowed additional light to come pouring in. 

The first is a daily practice of self love by putting your hand on your heart and simply saying, “good morning, I love you.”  There is a real neurological response in your body to the physical touch that is calming. Your body responds to the act of self-care and knows it is safe. It can rest in your own love and find strength. 

The second is to best-friend yourself. Have you ever found yourself being so hard on yourself, you wouldn’t even talk to someone you don’t like with that same harsh tone? Have there been times when your inner critic has monopolized the mic on your internal dialogue? There is power in noticing when this happens, and add to the conversation all the kind words you would say to someone you love and care for. Pass the mic around and turn up the volume on the part of you that sees the effort, sees the goodness, sees your heart. Because there is goodness in there and you are worthy of that love, and it starts with love for you, from you.  

As you get better at this, and as the part of you that can speak this compassion gets stronger, you may even try showing compassion to the critical part. Understand that it, too, wants to help. It may have developed at a time when the outside world felt harsh and critical, and so it became critical first to shield from the external pain. It may be there to help, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe its message, or allow it to lead. Instead you can thank it for its efforts in navigating challenging situations, thank it for letting you know something inside doesn’t feel safe in that moment. You can lean into its discomfort, and eventually you will be able to offer it healing through your strengthened self-compassion.

Part of the magic of self-compassion, for me, is that as I get better at truly loving myself, in all my messiness, I have a deeper, truer compassion for others. I cheer for others the way I have finally learned to cheer for myself. I am more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, to lift their burden, to simply smile to let them know that I care. The world becomes just a tiny bit better all because I was willing to love myself.