What Do You Need?
Written by Michelle Shelton
Jan 23, 2024
What do you need?
A simple question.
It’s a question I often find myself asking my coaching clients. When you find yourself reaching out for the food you aren’t really hungry for, what do you need? When you find yourself yearning for a relationship that just ended, what do you need? When you suddenly get angry with your children who you love so deeply, what do you need? In these contexts, often this simple question becomes much more difficult to answer.
If you were to assume that all our actions are an attempt, at some level, to meet a need, all of the above examples no longer reflect a sign of weakness or character flaw, but a sign of resilience and effort to survive. It doesn’t mean that these behaviors serve us. Eating food when you aren’t really physically hungry can leave you feeling uncomfortably full. Yearning for an ended relationship can leave you feeling empty and alone. And yelling at someone who you care so deeply about does not help the trust in that relationship.
Just because the behaviors are an attempt to meet a need does not mean we just accept the behaviors as ok. But it can be an indicator for deeper reflection. It’s an opportunity to ask, what do I need?
But how do you connect an outward behavior to an underlying need? There are a lot of things that we think we “need.” But do we really? What, afterall, do we really need?
Of course we need the basics, water, food and shelter. From a human development standpoint, we also need to feel seen, safe, and soothed. As children, we are wired to seek these basic needs of attachment from our caregivers. If we are blessed to develop in a secure attachment, we learn to do these same things for ourselves as we mature. The needs don't change, but the source of fulfillment shifts from external to internal.
With this in mind, it may provide a helpful framework when reflecting on this question, What do I need. As you seek your answer, try starting with these three basic needs:
What do I need to feel more seen? Feeling seen implies some level of resonance and understanding, but my favorite definition is to see the good inside. Are you looking for validation or acceptance? Are you yearning to be understood, to be accepted for who you are? It’s possible you are feeling a need to be seen.
What do I need to feel soothed? This is an invitation to tune in to your emotions. What are you feeling? Are you open and accepting to all emotions or do you chase after some (like happiness) while pushing others away (like anger, sadness, or fear). When you face more challenging emotions, do you meet them with care and concern or do you resist them, avoid them, or even numb them? If the latter, you may need open, compassionate caring for your full emotional experience.
What do I need to feel safe? Notice what is happening in your body. Is your heart open and flexible, or protected and controlling? Are your muscles relaxed, or tight? Is your energy calm or nervous? Do you feel comfortable being you or are you trying to please other people or meet an expectation? Are you fully present to your body and the people around you, or hyper-vigilant to your surroundings and disconnected from yourself? If the later of any of these statements resonate more than the former, you may be searching for safety.
As you reflect on these questions, those behaviors that before were a frustration or stumbling block become a vehicle to deep self-understanding. In this place of understanding you can learn how to truly care for your needs. Not just with Netflix and bubble bath, but with deep understanding, care and compassion, and open-hearted courage. Not by tuning out through distractions, diversions, and to-dos, but by tuning in with presence and love.