Self Care That Moves Beyond Numbness To Healing

Written by Michelle Shelton

Jan 28, 2023

Self care is a hot topic in the field of wellness and I believe it is so important to the healing process. But I don’t believe that all forms of self-care have the same healing value. I see self-care in three levels and the more time we spend in level 3, the more healing we will receive. 

The first level is self care that allows you to escape. It is temporary relief from circumstances that feel difficult or overwhelming. This might look like a mom shutting herself in her bathroom for just a few minutes of calm and quiet from the constant noise of her little ones. Or maybe it’s watching Netflix after a long, stressful day of work. Or the pint of ice cream after a breakup. It could be turning to work to avoid the loneliness of life. I’ve heard people describe their addictions as the solution to their problem rather than the problem itself. For them, their addiction may have been level one self care. We’ve all been here at one point or another. Probably at many points. It serves an important purpose. It allows us to get through what would otherwise be unbearable. But it doesn’t solve or change anything. It simply makes it bearable for a brief moment. 

The second level of self care fills you up. It is acknowledging basic needs and making space in your day. It is recognizing that your needs matter and that it is ok to prioritize them. For me, this is prioritizing sleep. It is exercise and stretching, breath work and meditation. It is making sure I shower every day, even when I had very little kids, because I feel better when I do. It could be investing in relationships, girls (or guys) nights out or lunch with a friend. Where level one is avoiding, and may be even numbing, at this level there is more of a turning in, a recognition of your worthiness of care and a will to make it happen. It might begin the process of change, but it doesn’t yet solve for the long term or lead to lasting healing. 

The third level of self care is where I see long-term change that does bring you to healing. This, for me, is radical self compassion. It is seeing myself as unconditionally loveable. It is seeing the goodness inside. It is letting go of the need for approval from others, because I already gave myself the approval that I am enough. It is acknowledging that all the parts of me, even the ones that might seemingly be doing harm, are actually trying very hard to do right and to help. It is opening my heart to curiosity, to hear my own stories of pain and protection, all the ways I’ve worked so hard to show up in a world that felt so unsafe. It is honoring all of those attempts, as ill equipped as they may have been, and allowing them to lay down their weapons and rest. 

I just finished a course on Compassionate Inquiry and Internal Family Systems. There were two quotes Gabor Mate shared that I love. The first, “It is compassion that moves us beyond numbness to healing.” This is what happens at level 3 self-care for me. The second quote describes how. “Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.”  With consistent and unconditional self compassion, you will begin to see your truth. The truth of all the past pain that continues to cause current pain. And once you begin to see it, and it can rest in your own self love, you can finally allow it to heal.