Healing Through Judgment

Written by Michelle Shelton

Jan 21, 2023

This past Sunday we had a lesson in church on judging and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. 

I thought about the time my husband fell asleep in Sunday school and the teacher called him out on it. No doubt he was annoyed that anyone would sleep through what he had prepared. And I don’t blame him. But what he didn’t know was that my husband had been up several times that night, and the night before, and many nights before that, helping me, his exhausted wife, care for their young child. My husband didn’t need to be called out that day. He needed a pillow to rest his weary and caring body. 

I thought of the time, just a few weeks earlier, when I was driving on a windy road with lots of blind corners, no shoulders, and no sidewalks. Coming toward me were two runners, running side by side, with a dog beside them. They took the whole lane on this narrow, windy road. As a runner myself, I thought, are you kidding me? Don’t you know you should run single file on a road like this? How inconsiderate, rude, and dangerous. And then I met eyes with one of the runners and I realized that I knew her! And I know she is not any of those things. 

I thought about my younger self, many years ago, a college student without a car. My kind sister would sometimes give me a ride. She had a car. She also had a young family with very small children. I remembered getting in her car and thinking WOW. I will never let my car get this dirty. Ouch. Many years later, just a few months ago, I was asked to speak at a professional seminar class at a nearby university. Each week, the professor invites a professional to his class to share their career journey and any career wisdom with his students. He takes them to lunch before the seminar with a small group of students. I couldn’t make lunch so instead we went to ice cream after the class. As things were wrapping up, the professor turned to me and said, “I’ll take these two girls with me, and these two can go with you in your car.” Um, in my car? Now I am the mom of three young kids. I thought about the state of my car. I thought back to that moment in my sister’s car. Well played, universe. Well played. I bravely walked those two college girls to my car and braced for the same thoughts I had had many years ago, but now directed toward me. 

Judgment is such an interesting thing. If we dig a little deeper, we may find it stems from things we shut down inside of ourselves. From something inside speaking up because it is feeling challenged or uncomfortable. Why do I care if your car is dirty? Cars get dirty. Life is messy, especially life in motion. Why do I care if you fall asleep in my class? People get tired, and when they do, sleep is a natural and healthy response. Why do I care if I have to move over a little to make space for you, your friend, and your dog? There is room for us all. 

The answer to any of these things is certainly different for each of us. But we do well to stop and ask. If your messy car makes me uncomfortable, maybe I need to explore my own relationship with messy things. If you falling asleep in my class makes me upset, maybe I need to explore my own need for recognition and validation for my role as a teacher. If asking for the space you need on the road irritates me, maybe I need to explore my own relationship with asking for my needs.  

Our impulse to judge can also be an impetus to healing. As we get curious about why someone else’s actions feel so threatening, displeasing, or wrong to us, we may realize that that moment of judgment may really be a call for self care. As we lean into our own healing, that impulse to judge slowly relaxes. Because that person’s choices aren’t threatening any more. They are just choices.